performance related identity

"My identity is also wrapped up in the performance of my children. On the days that they are sweet and obedient and lovely to be around, I do the pageant walk. Head held high, with a bit of a swagger. On the days where they are unkind, disobedient, and all together unlovely, I am angry and depressed.

 I have some how decided that my identity the truth about who I am, is tied to my children's performance and their love for me. I have decided that this is the fig leaf I will use to take away my shame and my nakedness. My child's love and obedience is what I have often used as my own good works to make me acceptable before God. I have stopped loving them and started using them...

I must remind myself that my identity is not tied up in my mothering. The truth is I am a terrible mom; this is why I need a Savior... When I am resting in his work, I am free to love my kids the way I've been loved. He does not love me based on my performance, but rather, based on the performance of my Savior. Because of that truth, I can love my children freely and joyfully."